An antidote to people pleasing

 

Many of the mission-oriented leaders I work with have experienced some degree of people pleasing tendency.

They’ll share stories of contorting and extending themselves to avoid disappointing their teams, stakeholders and families.

A client recently shared one such story.

After exploring his feelings and thoughts, I posed a simple question:

What would it look like to offer yourself the same care and consideration you so willingly offer to others?

The question was well timed for this particular leader.

But it wasn’t entirely improvised.

It had been on my own heart and mind for years.

I’ve always been exceptionally good at upholding the commitments I make to others.

I would crawl through glass to avoid disappointing someone.

For much of my life, this tendency served me well.

It helped me accomplish big goals and gain a reputation as a highly dependable person.

But it also came with a dark side: Habitually de-prioritizing commitments to myself.

Going above and beyond to meet work demands always trumped my need for rest and leisure time.

Maintaining the comfort of the group won out over my need to express my unique perspective.

Being responsive to others consistently overpowered my need for quiet, focused time.

When there was a conflict between what I needed and what was demanded by the various roles I played, the external commitment invariably won out.

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When I became aware of this pattern, I felt totally stuck in it.

As much as I yearned to do things differently, I experienced a stubborn inner resistance to change.

So I peeled back the layers and brought that resistance to light (through coaching and meditation).

And uncovered that, deep down,

A part of me didn’t believe I was worthy of care and consideration.

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Uuuuuugh.

That discovery felt like a big fat punch in the gut.

I had long prided myself on not being perceived as a “needy” person.

And had a massive aversion to becoming one of those yogis who recited “I am enough” or “I am worthy” in the mirror each morning.

It all felt a little much.

But I also knew the belief felt very real.

And that it was holding me back from living the life I wanted.

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I was stumped on what to do with this new awareness.

My new inquiry became:

How do I genuinely convince this resistant part of myself that I’m worthy of care?

The answer was clear:

The same way I show the people I love that I care…

Through my actions

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So I began looking for small, simple ways to offer care.

Prioritizing my own needs felt like a rebellious, irresponsible act at first.

But over time, little-by-little, I learned it was possible to include myself in the circle of compassion.

My sense of worth grew each time I…

  • Took a mid-day break to move my body and get outside

  • Remained offline during vacation time

  • Meditated before checking my emails

  • Asked for what I needed

  • Advocated for myself

  • Said no

As I took those small steps, I was sending myself the message that I was worthy of care.

And even the most cynical part of me began trusting that it was true.

The narrative started being re-written.

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If you find yourself overplaying your people pleasing tendencies, I invite you to consider:

“What would it look like to offer yourself the same care and consideration you so willingly offer to others?”

And in some small ways, begin to offer that to yourself.

Notice how even small actions can shift your inner sense of worthiness.

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The antidote to people pleasing isn’t neglecting or caring less about the needs of others.

It’s honouring your own needs in the same way you honour the needs of the people you most cherish.

Including yourself in the circle of compassion.

Because you, too, are worthy of your care and consideration.

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