Letting go of worry
I used to identify as a well-meaning “worrier”.
The phrase “I’m concerned about [so-and-so]” frequently floated around my home growing up.
Viewing others as needing fixing or saving was built into my personal operating system.
Worrying just felt synonymous with caring.
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When I was going through Yoga Teacher Training, I read a piece of text that shook me to my core.
“Worry is another way violence gets masked as caring. Worry is a lack of faith in the other and cannot exist simultaneously with love. Either we have faith in the other person to do their best, or we don’t.
Worry says I don’t trust you to do your life right. Worry comes from a place of arrogance that I know better what should be happening in your life. Worry says I don’t trust your journey, or your answers, or your timing. ”
Hang on a second there…
Worry cannot exist simultaneously with love!?
That line hit particularly hard.
In many of my relationships, worry was the only way I knew how to show love.
The whole paragraph felt like a hard slap in the face.
But after chewing on it, I gradually came to terms with what I needed to take away.
That single paragraph enabled me to change my relationship to worry.
Because it finally gave me permission to find new ways to care.
When it comes to worrying about others, here are some things I now know to be true.
We do others a huge disservice when we view them as broken
When training as a coach, one of the first things that gets drilled into your psyche is the principle that each client is whole, capable, resourceful and creative.
This is applicable far beyond coaching.
When we approach others from a place of wholeness vs. brokenness, we help them to trust this within themselves.
And when we approach our relationships from this place of trust, the whole energy is different.
Walls come down.
Self-worth increases.
Mutual respect is enhanced.
This applies whether you’re a leader, parent, partner or friend.
When we practice viewing others as whole, deeper connections emerge.
Our fear for others often mirrors our own fears and insecurities
We each know someone in our lives who we feel engages in “risky” behaviour.
Perhaps you have a child, friend, or parent who does things you fear are in some way unsafe.
You love them and truly want the best for them.
Maybe you’ve raised concerns, but the person is stubborn to change.
When you notice worry coming up in these situations, it’s a beautiful opportunity to look inward.
You can explore how your own fears and insecurities are colouring your perspectives.
You can ask, “what am I truly afraid of?”
And, “what does the fearful part of me need in order to feel safe?”
From there, you can learn to free yourself from (at least some of the) worry.
We need to trust others’ unique journeys
No two humans will live the same life.
You will never be more of an expert in someone else’s journey than they are in their own.
With each experience, they’ll pick up important lessons and resources that will serve them in the next lag.
We need to learn to trust in this.
And to know that, even if we’ve been through something similar, our experience will never be exactly the same as someone else’s.
Learning to trust that each human is on a unique journey, and that they’re exactly where they need to be, is a powerful way to shift out of worry.
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Learning to care without worry has felt incredibly freeing.
Releasing some of that worry unleashes a lot of energy.
Energy that can be reapplied to connecting on a deeper level with the people I love.
Because instead of being worried, I can be present.
I can listen.
I can remind them of their goodness.
And that is worth so much more than my worry.
Worry is a topic that I often work through with coaching clients. If this is something you’re grappling with and would like to go deeper in a one-on-one context, please reach out. I’d be honoured to support you.