The wish that changed my life
The wish that changed my life
I woke in a sweat, feeling groggy and disoriented. A familiar cocktail of guilt and panic washed over me as I looked at my phone to see 12 missed calls.
It was 4pm on a Saturday and I was alone in my one-bedroom apartment, flopped sideways across the bed. My youngest sister was visiting the city and we’d planned to meet up. But I’d fallen into a deep sleep and missed our highly anticipated rendezvous. After several attempts to reach me, including loudly knocking at my apartment door, she’d given up. My heart ached as I realized that I’d missed out on seeing her.
The experience was pretty typical of my early twenties. At the time, I was pouring every ounce of my energy into my full-time MBA while juggling three part-time jobs and my class presidency. All while training for a half marathon, partying hard on weekends and maintaining a long-term romantic partnership. I was truly pushing the limits of productivity and seeing the achievements and admiration that flowed from that. One not-so-subtle side effect was that I would spontaneously pass out the moment I slowed down. Often at less-than-ideal times.
The pattern continued following graduation. My talent and relentless work ethic made me an attractive candidate for a career in strategy consulting. I was unphased by the long hours and productivity metrics. I didn’t consider myself a workaholic. In my mind, I wasn’t working hard enough to warrant that title.
Over time, cracks began to form around my hard-working identity. I was frequently riddled with guilt, shame and anxiety, and had a growing feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. An “I don’t like the person I’m being” type of feeling. My hard work wasn’t earning me the accelerated promotion I was striving for. Many of my friendships felt shallow and transactional. When my stable, 7 year relationship ended, I fell apart.
I relied on the “try harder” strategy I knew best to approach the challenge ahead. Within days of the breakup, I began frantically pursuing my next relationship. After a year of pouring everything I had into a series of heartbreaking dating experiments, I felt utterly defeated.
It was at this time that my mother and grandmother invited me to join them on a trip to Europe. I leaped at the opportunity, seeing it as a way to escape my pain and loneliness. But the pain seemed to cut even deeper once I had time and space to process things. While Nanny and Mom savoured the sights and sounds of Rome and Naples, I walked a few steps behind feeling lost and disconnected.
Nearing the end of our travels, I agreed to tag along for a visit to the Home of the Virgin Mary in Ephesus, Turkey. As my grandmother reverently lit candles in memory of loved ones, I meandered down a cobblestone path and found a wall bursting with small, colourful pieces of paper, fabric and tissue – each containing a wish.
A photo of the wishing wall I took that day.
I was skeptical of wishes, but in that moment, felt desperate enough to give it a try. I thought about what I might wish for. A loving relationship? A fulfilling, purposeful career? Lasting health for me and my loved ones? Financial abundance? World peace? After reflecting on the many things I wanted, I landed on the following:
“I wish for contentment. For me. For everyone.”
Teary-eyed and vulnerable, I rolled my paper into a tiny scroll and squeezed it into the wall alongside thousands of others. I wondered how many of my fellow wishers were looking for some flavour of the same thing.
My wish felt like the deepest truth I’d ever known. I’d touched the root of my pain. A pure and simple longing for contentment, which had been pulverized in an ongoing battle against the part of me that was constantly chasing more.
I didn’t realize it then, but when I made that wish, I’d set an intention. And with that seed planted, I began slowly but powerfully moving my life in a new direction. When I returned home, I began seriously exploring my hardworking identity and my broader sense of purpose. I began practicing yoga. I slowed down and got in touch with who I was and what mattered to me. I took up hobbies. I very gradually cultivated a sense of worth that extended beyond my accomplishments. And I eventually fell in love – with life.
Instead of trying harder, I learned to try softer. Instead of chasing things outside myself, I learned to look within myself. My actions became fuelled by an undercurrent of trust and purpose, rather than guilt and anxiety. And in a serendipitous way, the loving relationship and fulfilling career I longed for found their way to me. My sense of contentment, creativity and clarity continued blossoming in the most beautiful ways. Once I had felt this within myself, I wanted ever person I encountered to know it was a possibility.
Over the past decade, I’ve continued to thrive professionally while deepening my learnings and reverse-engineering my experience, investigating the most essential ingredients that create the conditions that nourish personal transformation. I’ve completed in-depth training as a yoga and meditation teacher, became a certified life and leadership coach, and built a business where I get to offer these gifts to others - Arborvida.
Through Arborvida, I help high achieving leaders reconnect with who they are and what matters to them. My one-on-one coaching programs help clients tap into their sense of vitality, balance and purpose. Together, we explore ways to harness their gifts and ambition to serve their greatest aspirations – freeing them from the trap of blind ambition. So they’re confident that, when they reach the end of their lives, they’ll know they’ve truly lived them.
If you’re a high achieving leader seeking personalized support in building a life of vitality and impact, please book a discovery call. I’d love to walk alongside you on your journey.