The subtleties of vulnerability
Vulnerability is quite the topic these days. It's been widely popularized through the work of Brené Brown. I'm sure, as you read this, you’re already having a reaction of "Yay vulnerability" or "Enough with the vulnerability stuff".
Something interesting happens when a topic gets into the popular sphere. As awareness grows and the idea propagates, it often becomes wayyy oversimplified in most peoples' minds. I see this happening with vulnerability.
Many are equating vulnerability with publicly sharing stories of personal struggle. Which, sure, is a vulnerable act, but is just one small piece of a bigger, much more beautiful and powerful concept.
So I want to share how I relate to vulnerability, and why I don't think it's the type of thing we should be having "yay" or "nay", black-and-white thinking on.
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We’re born mostly defenceless. We move through the earliest years of life connecting with others and the world around us from a place of trust and curiosity. But eventually, something or someone hurts us. And in response, we gradually learn to protect ourselves (which includes learning to guard our hearts). We find ways to build up armouring.
As we shift into adolescence, we come to identify strongly with our protective armouring. We wear it proudly and recognize it as a part of ourselves. We have to feel incredibly safe before we take it off.
Our armouring stays with us well into adulthood. We forget we’re wearing it, and it can create a barrier between us and a deep sense of connection with others and the experience of life itself.
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Vulnerability is the act of removing the armour. It’s letting our guard down and meeting life with an undefended heart. That’s what it truly means to be “vulnerable”.
For some, getting on stage and sharing a story of personal struggle is a vulnerable act.
But vulnerability is so much more than that. It can look like:
Telling someone you care.
Allowing yourself to receive care and support.
Letting yourself be touched by someone else’s suffering.
Taking the first step to connect with someone.
Sharing your dreams with others.
Feeling a pleasant emotion.
From this lens, vulnerability and courage can look very similar.
Vulnerability comes down to a felt sense. I can’t look at what you’re doing and judge whether / not you’re being vulnerable. Unless I understand what your armouring looks like, or how you’re feeling in your heart.
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If you view life as a battlefield, removing your protective armouring can feel like a nonsense, stupid move.
Meeting life with an undefended heart requires a deep trust. Trust that, removing your armouring is the only way to invite others to do the same.
But more importantly, trust that, if you remove your armour, and are shot directly in the heart, you won’t die.
It will hurt like hell. But you will be ok.
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There are times in life when your armouring will serve you well. There are other times where allowing your heart to be open and undefended is simply worth it.
It’s possible that you will be wounded in those moments. But you’ll come to trust your innate capacity to heal. And you’ll come out on the other side with more aliveness and power than you ever realized possible.
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If you’re ready to better understand your own protective armouring and be supported as you build the capacity to gently remove it, please check out my upcoming group program.
Calm in the Storm is a 6 week, mindfulness based program for purpose-driven leaders. It will support you in meeting the demands of modern leadership with steadiness, wisdom and compassion.